Perception is everything

When I was 25 I looked like this... and I was told I was too big, chunky, and I was moo'd at if I ate cookies or chips.  THIS is where my spirit was broken and I know that for a fact.  I've never had "eating" issues but 12/16/1995 began my body image issues that have scarred me to this day.

I was competing in a fitness competition, running and working out WERE my job.  I modeled and I hated it.  I knew that those people were after perfection and I knew what that cost me.  I was raising two kids at the time and running my health club AND my other job... working.  I looked and felt pretty good BUT it was exhausting and it was never good enough.

Fast forward 10 years and somehow I managed to stay thin.  I didn't have kids anymore, I was single and dating and had some time on my hands.  So -it helped a lot when I was getting married.  Funny how you take care of yourself when you know you are getting married and you'll be captured in that photo....forever.

but then, reality sets in and as you can see by all of my recent pictures, I'm no longer a size 4. 

I'm a six - some days an eight and while some people say that's "small" - I feel horrible. I try and tell myself that I'm 40 this year, I have a 2 year old, I work full-time and eating healthy is H-A-R-d!

I think all of those things are excuses though and I have no patience for those with me (or you just for the record). So I'm trying to find balance. SUCH a hard thing to do - BALANCE.  I try and eat well, work out, drink occasionally and avoid smoking and drugs at ALL costs.  I want to be a good example for my son.  But it's hard because lately, I'm lazy.

Today I was reading my "Power of A Praying Parent" and it said this: A person who already feels rejected interprets everything as rejection - a mere look, a harmless word, an insignificant action - while someone who feels loved and accepted thinks nothing of the same look, work or action.

It also noted: Some can let things roll of their back, because they know deep within, that they are accepted.  Others, however, may bear deep emotional would from incident after incident of rejection, so any perceived lack of acceptance can transform their personalities into something ugly.

Finally - Even though God's love that is ultimately most important in anyone's life, a parent's love (or lack thereof) is perceived and felt first. Parental love is the first love a child experiences and the first love he(she) understands.  In fact, parental love is often the means by which children actually open themselves to God's love and come to understand it early in life.

My parents did this well.  I have always known that I was loved, and cared for, that they thought I was special and talented and loved to be with me.  But somewhere in my first marriage - something in me broke.  I allowed abuse into my life and it crushed me.

So, why am I writing this in Tristan's blog?  I guess because I want him to know the good, bad and ugly of life.  Of MY life.  I want him to know that he is loved that God loves him. That I love him, that YOU love him.  If my child doesn't feel loved or good enough then he has believed the lies of the enemy.  I will NOT accept that.

I want Tristan to see himself not measured by the scale, by the size of his biceps or through the eyes of others. I want him to see himself the way that God sees him. 

T, you will make mistakes, you will hurt and get hurt, you will feel less than and not enough but always, always look to God's Word to see your TRUE value, your TRUE worth and your TRUE beauty.  Mommy struggles with vanity, with what others think and so rarely I go to God's Word and read who HE tells me that I AM... not who I want to be (because no matter how hard I try, I'm broken) - but He sees me blameless and wonderfully made.  He doesn't care if I'm a size 4 or size 40, he wants me to care for myself (honor my temple) and live in this world putting others first.

It's really true... perspective is everything.

Isaiah 54:17:   No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgement you shall condemn.  This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteous is from Me, says the Lord.